One of the things that I keep seeing talked about in some of the groups that I am in, is asking how we should tell any child that we (as solo mums) that they don’t have a daddy.
When I went to The Fertility show, I went to a couple of talks for Solo Mums and it was all about being honest and open with your donor child from a very early age. If you are open and honest with your child from them being a babe in arms, then when they are older you will become used to having that conversation with your child – or anyone else who may ask.
I’m really lucky in the fact that I have only come across one person, which was on Instagram, saying that I was a bad person for bringing a child into the world who did not have a dad. That I would be scarring the child for life and they’ll always go through life wishing their dad was by their side…
Now I don’t know about you, but I know plenty of children who are growing up without a father figure through one reason or another. Whilst I’m making that choice to not have a father figure in my child’s life that does not mean that my child will grow up without male influences. I’m really lucky that I’ve got quite a lot of friends, male friends , and different family dynamics and relationships.
I also think it’s really important will any child will be brought up to know that I chose them and I am a solo mum by choice.
One of the groups I am on in facebook – there are a mix of first time solo mums by choice, but also those who are having another child this way, after circumstances left them a solo mum by chance. For anyone interested in joining the group is Solo Mothers By Choice UK and it has just celebrated its 1st birthday and has over 1000 members!
I have no issues, as you’ve probably figured out, discussing what I am doing and that I am choosing to b a solo mum by choice. A lot of solo mums will tell you its empowering and why should we wait in the hope that a man will come along and impregnate us because society tells us thats what should happen. We could flip from relationship to relationship in the hope that we will be happy to pro-create with a man – but he might not even want to be a father and thats what leads down to relationship breakdowns and people becoming solo parents.
A lot of women I’ve met in the Solo Mum groups have been like “Why should I wait to have a child when in reality all we’re doing is waiting for permission from a man to turn around and go “yes, you can have my baby”.
I also believe that unless you are shouting from the rooftops that you do not want children, you reach a certain age, and are childless and you almost become undateable. I say almost, but especially when I had decided to embark on being a solo mum by choice, the last man I dated was told that himself, and a baby were not mutually exclusive.
I feel I must say that I am not a man hater. Nor am I a stark raving feminist. And even though I keep being called brave, I don’t think I’m that either. I know what I want, and I am just choosing a different path to get to the destination. I’ve mad my choices and not everyone will agree with me, but I’m writing this to let you see it from a different perspective.
So when someone asks me “Who is the Daddy?” I may just turn around and tell them that I’ve no idea, just to see the look on their face. However, I am more than likely to tell thm that I chose them out of a book (well I didn’t its more like a dating website) and I chose to b a solo mum by choice because I could.
My child will not know that they are potentially missing anything from their life, because they will know no different.
My child will know that they were very much wanted and loved from the start. That their mummy did everything they could to make sure that they were here. They will know about their donor and where they’ve come from in child terms. I have purchased this book from amazon. It is the Solo Mum, how we became a family book from Donor Conception Network.
My child will also know that they can get more information from the HFEA when they turn 18, and that I will support them if they wish to contact their donor and find more about their heritage from their donors side. This is why I chose to have treatment in the UK – so that my child would be able to find “where they came from” if they wished.
Being a solo mum, by choice, makes you think about a lot of things.
Solo Mum Overload 